Somebody, help! Somebody, please!
Help! Help! Help!
Help me! Help me!
Oh, God. Help me!
- Whoa whoa, darling. - She's crazy!
Daddy, grab that bitch!
Hey, Chief, I think I got something.
What?
This Captain Spaulding guy,
Captain Spaulding's a character from "Animal Crackers,"
a Marx Brothers' movie.
I'll be damned.
Think it means anything?
I don't know.
Tell you what, you get that movie critic over here. What's his name?
- Marty Walker? - Yeah, that's him.
Tell him to get his ass over here as soon as he can.
Tell him to bring whatever information he's got about the Marx Brothers,
particularly characters Groucho played in his movies.
All right, I'll get right on it.
This shit's just getting weirder and weirder.
Shit, Daddy, I didn't think you were coming.
I'm cool.
Where the fuck is Otis?
Not back from getting the guns yet.
You wanna fuck with me? Huh, bitch?
You ain't got what it takes.
He fucks this up, I'm gonna kill that motherfucker.
You believe this bitch had the balls to try and fuck with me?
Cox, nice of you to make it. Enjoying your meal?
What? I gotta eat.
My blood sugar gets off, I'm not gonna be any good to anybody.
Ya ain't no good to nobody anyhow.
Listen here, that movie expert guy's here. Wanna talk to him?
Want me to bring him in?
All right, all right, I'll get him right now.
Mr. Walker? Come on in, please.
Sheriff Wydell, it's a pleasure.
I rushed right over as soon as I got your call.
You came to the right man.
I happen to be a self-proclaimed Marx Brothers expert if I say so myself.
I'm sure your knowledge of bullshit is limitless.
Why don't we get to the point? What do you got for me?
I got a fucking grocery list for you
of all the major Marx Brothers characters and related characters,
and I made a secondary list of any and all films having to do with Groucho,
including such gems as "A Girl in Every Port," and "Skidoo,"
where Groucho played the part of God...
directed by Otto Preminger, who happened to be Jewish,
although he played a Nazi commandant in "Stalag 17" directed by Billy Wilder.
Otto Preminger also directed "Exodus,"
and it's rumored that at the premiere
Mort Sahl stood up, yelled at the screen,
- "Otto! Let my people go!" - Give me the damn list.
It's ironic, don't ya think? Nazi, State of lsrael?
They're all here, all the aliases--
"Rufus Firefly, Otis Driftwood,
Captain Spaulding"-- all of 'em.
Hey, Chief, I'm thinking we ought to track down this Groucho Marx guy,
ask him a few questions, maybe he's involved.
Idiot, he died last year. He died, didn't he?
Oh God damn it. God damn it, see?
That right there is one sad, pathetic state of cinematic affairs.
If you weren't a cop, I'd wring your neck.
Hey, let's take that down a notch.
Excuse me! Excuse me!
This sneering, rotating, gyrating pelvis son of a bitch,
he died three days before Groucho,
stole all the goddamn headlines.
That goddamn, fucking Elvis Presley.
What did you say about The King?
He died three days before Grouch--
You ever say another derogatory word
about Elvis Aaron Presley in my presence again,
I will kick the living shit out of you!
You get this Hollywood-loving pussy out of my face.
- Elvis is in Hollywood! - Get the hell outta here!
- His first film... - Get out!
..."Love Me T ender," was based on an lrish folk song!
Fuck Groucho!
Ha!
Booga booga booga booga booga booga booga booga!
Don't you fucking knock?
- Where the fuck you been? - Did you get everything?
Oh, yeah, I got everything.
You, motherfucker! Where the fuck have you been?
Hey! You got a problem with my timeframe, son,
you best spit it out right now.
Yeah, I got a problem. I got a big fucking problem, bozo!
Well, make your move, laddie, two hits.
I hit you and your dick hits the fucking dirt.
Old man, you ain't hitting nothing!
Hey, cut the shit, we gotta get the fuck outta here.
What are we gonna do with this one?
Leave her for a maid to clean up.
I got a better idea.
We regret to inform you
that the "Banjo and Sullivan Show" will be canceled tonight.
Fuck.
No, please!
Housekeeping.
Housekeeping!
Ay, Julio.
Jesus Christ. What a fucking mess.
Wydell: 40-ton truck has a tendency of doing that, Kenny.
Listen, you mind getting one of your donut brigade to go over there
and scoop up some of that skull matter?
Put it in a bag for the meds.
Yeah, you got it.
Is that the lady who found her?
Yeah, the maid.
That's Maria Gomez.
She say anything?
Yeah, a lot of things.
But I don't speaka no Spanish.
It's all mumbo jumbo to me.
Shit, what am l, the mayor of Tijuana?
Got one guy,
Clarks, he speaks Spanish,
but he called in sick
from what he calls "explosive diarrhea."
You mind sparing me any further details about your deputy's asshole, Kenny?
Senorita Gomez?
- No. - What'd I tell ya?
She's useless.
Chief, got a couple shit-kickers over there,
says they're here to meet you.
- Recognize those guys? - Yeah, I know 'em.
- What's going on, shitheads? - Sheriff.
Here's the list of names I need you to run down for me.
That's a funny-ass name.
Look who's fucking talking, Rondo.
Just call me if anything connects.
I'm sure it will.
Shit always floats our way, don't it?
Chief.
You keep your mouth open wide enough, maybe you'd catch it all.
Don't fuck this up, assholes.
Have fun scraping all them brains up off the road.
See ya later, Kenny.
This is bullshit. I trust that fucker Charlie about as much as I trust you.
Where the hell you get off talking shit about Charlie?
Hey, I know what I know, and I know I don't like that nut sack.
Well, unless you got a better suggestion,
I suggest you keep your fucking pie hole shut.
That is the only remotely safe place I know about.
Hey, man, if anyone's interested,
I think I'm gonna be wanting some ice cream in about 10 miles.
"Hey man, think I'm gonna be wanting
some ice cream in about 10 miles."
Don't you fucking imitate me! It's fucking rude!
"l know what I know and I know I don't like that nut sack."
- Fuck you! - Fuck you!
Two fucking seconds for the kids, is that gonna kill you?
Yes, it is gonna kill me.
I have calculated the time and two seconds is
the exact amount of time that's a hazard to my fucking health!
Come on, don't be such a fucking drag, I'm starving.
Hey, eat this.
What is your fucking problem? I'm in and out in two seconds.
I think I'm gonna get me tuttifuckingfruity.
Tuttifuckingfruity, that sounds good.
Both: Tuttifuckingfruity!
- Shut up! - Tuttifuckingfruity!
- Shut up! Shut up! - Tutti-fucking-fruity!
Tuttifuckingfruity!
There is no fucking ice cream in your fucking future.
Mm, dee-licious!
I don't know why you have to be such a grouch. This is really good.
Here, have some.
Fuck you.
Tuttifuckingfruity!
Hey, piggy...
Yeah, over here, come on.
Come and get it.
Yes, Mr. Wy-fucking-dell.
Piggy, come over here and get some.
Don't fucking move, clown.
You looking for somebody?
George?
What the hell you doing down here, George?
I live here now.
No. You got that all wrong, George.
I mean, this ain't your home.
I got no choice, Johnny.
This here is my fate.
I cannot rest until this whole thing is over.
And I'm asking you, brother...
kill 'em, John. End this shit now.
I'm-I'm walking the line on this, brother. I'm walking the line.
Well, Mother pin a rose on me.
That is so great.
I want these motherfuckers dead!
Kill 'em!
I'm sorry, George.
- Yeah? - Hey, I think I found your guy.
Yeah, a friend of mine, about 10 years ago,
he used to buy hooch from this guy out here.
Mm-hmm.
Went by the name of Wolf J Flywheel.
Yeah, but-but his partner called himself "The Captain."
Sounds like the fuckers we're looking for, huh?
Yeah, Wolf J Flywheel. That name's on the list.
Apparently, now Wolf J
goes by the name of Charlie Altamont.
All right, good. You know what to do.
We wouldn't be talking if I didn't.
So is the shit on?
The shit is on.
Fucking A.
Open the door, Deputy.
Take the night off, Freddy. I'll watch the prisoner.
Well well well,
working late tonight, aren't we, Sheriff?
What's the matter?
Can't sleep? Hell running loose in the streets?
Or did ya just miss Mama?
As a matter of fact, I was feeling kinda lonely.
I knew you couldn't stay away.
I got that power over men.
Women like me are a rare breed.
Don't you agree?
Oh, yes, ma'am, I do.
I ain't been broken, you know.
Men like that.
Ooh, you got me going this afternoon.
You think you can break me?
You like it rough?
Oh, honey, you can have it any way you want.
I don't want it rough.
Oh!
I like it hot...
and slow.
Hot...
- and slow. - Mmm.
- Hot... and slow. - Mmm.
Yeah.
- You like that, Mama? - Oh, yeah.
You like that, Mama?
I--
Yeah.
Check this place out.
Whoa.
I know that ain't Cutter walking towards me with that stupid grin.
'Cause I know I swore if I ever saw that dumb-cunt-
no-good-piece-of-shit- motherfucking brother of mine,
he'd soon be a dead piece- of-shit- no-good-motherfucking brother of mine.
Okay, everybody in the peanut gallery,
Simon says hands up.
He said put your fucking hands up!
What the fuck is this shit?
You bring us all the way out here and this prick pulls a gun on us?
- Nice fucking plan, daisy. - Just do it!
- He's a crazy pigfucking son-- - What'd you call me?!
Well, if you give me a chance,
I was gonna call you a crazy-pig- fucking-dumb-ass-pussy piece of shit.
Oh, brother, you's a dead man.
Ain't that the most goddamn realest water gun you ever did see?
Oh, shit! That was great, man.
Sorry about that, it's just a little game we used to always play on folks.
- And it still works! - Hell, yeah.
- That's a fucking hoot. - Johnny, this is my daughter, Baby.
- My niece? - Yes!
You all grown up. Give me some love!
And you remember happy boy here.
Are you still an asshole?
This is Casey, my most limber lady.
And this is Candy, my special lady
and my... top-earning gal.
What you looking at?
- I'm looking at you, mama. - You see something you like?
Maybe. I set my standards low so I'm never disappointed.
Oh, well, I don't disappoint.
Ooh...
Fuck, let's go inside.
No sense standing around like--
stonefoot roosters in a fuck farm!
- Let's celebrate. - Oh, yeah.
You know, I gotta tell ya,
that is some catch-phrase you got there.
"Devil's Rejects."
You got something to say to me, clown?
Huh?
I bet you scare lots of folks, don't ya?
Yeah, you're a regular, fucking killer.
You want a piece of this, motherfucker? You want a piece of this?!
Huh? What you got?! What you got?!
Lord, I am Your arm of justice.
Lord...
I am Your arm of justice,
Your righteous sword of vengeance.
Let my blows be true.
Oh, yeah, Lord have mercy!
What a morning.
- Clevon! - Yeah, boss.
You know why I come here to get these chickens?
No, boss.
'Cause my brother makes the best fried chicken in the world.
is that right?
Good morning, good morning, sir! How are you?
How y'all doing? Good morning.
Good good good. What ya got for me?
We got these real cute barred rock chickens here.
- Yeah, I see it. - Got them nice, long-legged...
- Rhode lsland red chickens. - Rhode lsland red!
- Yeah. - Oh, I like them!
I want a Rhode lsland red for me, all right?
- Two of 'em. Yeah. - Rhode lsland red, two?
Now, y'all ain't planning on fucking these chickens, are you?
What the fuck are you getting at?
Do you fuck chickens?
Well, I have thought about fucking some chickens before.
If you want to have a good time and you need some pussy,
you can cut that chicken's head off
and stick your dick in that ass of that chicken,
and that damn chicken'll go crazy on your ass and go...
Are you saying that I would cut off a chicken's head, put my dick in it,
fuck it and go "Aaahhh"?
You accusing me of fucking a chicken, motherfucker?
No, I ain't call you a chicken fucker, but...
boy over there looks sexually frustrated and...
I don't approve of chicken fucking.
- You hear what he called me, boss? - My mistake.
He called me a fucking chicken fucker!
Go back and grab the fucking chickens, Clevon.
- Here's five. - Appreciate it, thank y'all.
He's a chicken fucker!
That's all right, put it back there.
Next time, we go someplace else.
We ain't never buying chickens from him again, boss!
I know, I know.
You inbred! Inbred!
Wolf J Flywheel?
Get your motherfucking pimp ass over here now.
Who are you talking about, man? Who you talking to?
What's going on, Sheriff? What'd we do?
What's going on, baby?
You and me, we're gonna have a little powwow
about a certain Captain Spaulding
and his merry band of assholes.
- Captain who? - You know what I'm talking about,
am I correct?
Hey, Sheriff... not in the middle of the street.
Ain't no sense in getting crazy out here.
I don't like no motherfuckers playing dumb with me.
Now, let me tell you the way it's gonna go down.
You're gonna make sure all three of them dirtbags
are present and accounted for tonight at midnight. You got me?
You understand me? Charlie! You got me?
What if I say no?
Then I ought to shoot your ass right fucking here and now,
you and that other ugly motherfucker.
And I'm gonna forget this conversation ever happened.
Tonight, midnight.
It's a bad day to fuck with me, Charlie boy.
Hey, we got you this far. Shit.
Without us, you'd still be swimming around with your head up your ass.
Hey, Chief, don't sweat it. Have a beer.
It's all going to work out to your satisfaction.
If I were you, I'd put the beer down and keep your mind on business
before business jumps up and bites you right in the ass.
Don't worry about me, boss.
They'll think goddamn King Kong came down from Skull lsland
and raped them a new fucking asshole.
Hey, man, don't give me none of that cocky-ass-
yard-bird-pumping-iron-I'm-the-baddest- motherfucker-that-ever-lived horseshit.
That might work on some Johnny Redneck bail jumper,
but that don't mean shit to me.
Then I suggest you pick up the bat phone
and call some new motherfuckers in.
Dime a dozen, man. Fuck you.
- Fuck me? - Yeah.
Fuck you, motherfucker!
Hey, hold it, hold it! We gotta cool our shit, here!
Look, you hired the unholy two because you wanted the best money could buy.
Now, you got nothing to worry about.
We're gonna get the job done.
Might talk a lot of shit, but we will get the job done.
Here's the deal.
I don't give a good God damn what condition they're in.
I just want 'em alive so I can piss in their face before they die.
You are one sick fucking pirate.
Hey, Billy Ray, your mama's on the phone.
She owes me 14 bucks! Get down here.
- Better keep a rope on that asshole. - Yeah, I know.
Now look, G, let me explain something to you.
You've been using a bazooka to exterminate three little roaches.
Now when you hunt roaches, you don't blow up your house.
You send in an exterminator so he can--
he crawls like a roach;
He thinks like a roach; He has a little roach mind--
Hey... you be careful
or maybe you get stepped on like a roach.
I'm gonna tell you something, brother,
you have got it made.
Please, man, don't be fooled by the glamour.
I got trouble. Don't get me started.
Trouble. What kinda trouble you got?
Man, you got hot and cold running pussy on tap!
Man, dealing with these greedy bitches
ain't all it's cracked up to be.
Brother, brother...
Go ahead. Pick it up, pick it up.
Take a hit on this.
Man, I got the best, mmm.
Take one for me too, man.
Hey, listen, you got a nose like a vacuum cleaner.
Don't do up all my cocaine.
Brother, would l do that to you?
No, you my brother...
- See? -...and I love you.
- All right. - All right, baby.
But I love my cocaine better. Fuck you.
Oh, man, that's some cold shit right there.
Well, any port in a fucking storm.
Mmm.
Charlie, brother, my brother--
I've been looking for you, clown.
Ooh.
You gonna start the killing,
you best start it right here.
Make sure I'm all the way dead,
or I will come back and make you my bitch.
Bitch that, motherfucker.
Get up, bitch!
Stop it! Stop it, motherfucker!
- Oh! Fuck! Oh! - Get these scumbags in that truck.
It wasn't personal, brother.
Business is business, baby!
You asshole!
She's right, Charlie. You are an asshole.
Why don't you get on your fucking horse and ride?
All right, let's get this freak show on the road.
What the fuck are you doing there? Get the fuck up!
You know, I got to thank you all...
for helping me to understand what my heritage is.
You see, the Wydells, they've always been vigilante justice.
Now, my granddaddy, he rode with the likes of T om Horn,
killing scum like you for a living.
We've always been devil slayers.
Wake up!
See I tried to walk the line,
but now I realize there is no line.
We here, we are playing on a level that most will never see.
I know my brother George, he didn't see it.
Maybe he had a divine moment
when his brains hit the floor.
Yeah, well, maybe you will too.
I got over here some photographs
of every missing person within 1 00 miles of this shithole.
Valerie Green.
Take a look at that. She was beautiful, huh?
Hell, anybody'd fuck her.
This is what she looked like when we pulled her out
of your little fucking torture shack.
She ain't so fuckable anymore, huh?
Oh, yes, she is.
I cut her tongue out and tied her to my bed for a month.
Busted that bitch wide open.
Well, then you get to have this as a souvenir.
What about Mary Knowles, anybody?
That fucking bitch is mine.
No no, she was mine. I did her, come on. Bring it onto me.
- Nah, she's all mine. - Baby, shut the fuck up!
Baby, you want her, you got her.
Fuck, fuck!
Come and get me, motherfucker!
Motherfucker!
You see this picture?
That's my brother George.
Old George, he was a good man.
Very trusting.
I'm sure that's what got him killed.
Anyway, y'all take a good look at that.
Because that's the reason you gonna die tonight.
Yeah, I remember.
Stupid fuck just like you.
Come at me like
some kinda matinee fucking cowboy idol.
All I had to do was point him in a direction and there he goes,
Officer Wyfucking-Dell to the rescue.
Daddy!
And I hate fucking clowns.
Yeah, you couldn't do all this by yourself!
I slayed me a devil just the other day.
What you think? Huh?
See any you like?
You liar. Those photos ain't real.
There's no way you killed Mama.
No, Baby, they're real.
Take a look at her right there.
Take a look at her eyes the way they are like that. She's dead.
You know what I did?
I took my knife and I stuck it in there real good.
And I kinda twisted it a little bit.
kinda like fucked her with it, you know?
Let me tell you, that old whore came
before I fucking took her miserable life.
You motherfucker. I'm gonna fucking kill you!
You gonna kill me?
You're gonna fucking kill me?
- Get off me, fucker! - You take a good look at that, bitch.
Take a good, fucking look. You were her little angel,
her little angel.
That's why I got something special in mind for you.
Yeah? Well I can't fucking wait.
If you want it, here it is. Come and get it. Come on!
From delusion, lead me to truth.
From darkness, lead me to light.
From death, lead me to eternal life.
Hallelujah!
Are you feeling it, brother?
It's time to end this little charade.
Look, you're free.
Run.
I said fucking run!
Burn well, motherfuckers.
Come and get it!
I can hear you, Baby girl!
I can hear you!
I got something here for ya!
What's that I smell?
It smells like rabbit!
It's me, Charlie, calm down.
How could you do this? You ruined everything!
Calm down, Baby! This is not the time.
- Gotta get you outta here. - Daddy and Otis are in the house--
I'll get them, but first we gotta get you someplace safe.
Now, come on.
Cutter! Cutter, wake up! Cutter, wake up!
Cutter! Wake the fuck up! Wake the fuck up!
- Wait in the car and I'll go get them. - I want to go!
Oh, just get in! Go on.
Stay put.
Charlie!
Run, Baby girl, run.
Run!
Run! Run!
Run run run!
Lord, I bet that hurts.
Man, I could hear that bone shatter from right here.
What the hell we got here?
Hey, looky here, I got something for you.
Uh-huh.
Oh, yeah, I got something for ya.
Hey, get up!
Come on, I said get up!
- Fuck you. - I don't know about you,
but I sure wish I had a bullwhip for this occasion,
but I found this. I reckon it'll do.
You like that? You like the feeling of being helpless?
At the mercy of someone who's as sadistic and deranged as you?!
Not such a fucking party, is it? Doesn't make it you feel proud?
- Fuck you! - Fuck me? Oh, no.
Fuck you! Fuck you!
Tiny.
Daddy and Otis are still in the house. Go get 'em.
The nails! The nails!
Tiny! Tiny! Come on, man!
Daddy!
Baby? Baby!
You're okay!
Yes.
Ow! Oh!
You sure about this?
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